When you’re down how does your mind work?

There are many factors why we feel down. I feel down when I am sick. Sometimes, I get sick because I feel down. At times, I don’t know which came first, sickness or feeling down. It does not matter though because when I feel the blues, I am not being creative.

When I was young, I call this hibernation.

Or should I say, my mom calls this hibernation and I adapted the term. We have this tendency to stay put, think hard and just let the world pass as by as we wallow in despair. When we are spent, eureka will come and the sun will rise again.

It was good enough for me too. I remember my family’s five years hibernation. It was like falling into abysmal downs of downs. It was like diving into deep waters and I never really thought that we can come out.

That was also the strongest point of my life. I came to know myself. My faith was unshakable and I was always hopeful that tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. And of course, it was better.

Today is that tomorrow; or maybe, the what-comes-after-tomorrow days. It was funny that when everything is normalized – we have food to eat, we are earning and we can provide for our wants, I feel more hopeless than when I don’t have a single penny in my pocket.

When I was out, pushing out the waters, life became stagnant. There was no longer tomorrow to look up to. See how the mind, or maybe just my mind, works? I was happy, strong and able and determined when life seemed to be pouring rocks on me.

When that stopped, when I am free to be me, find my own path and spread out my wings, I got afraid; I kept still and never really tried to grow. The moment I realize I need to grow for my love one, my energy was spent. My mind is willing to fight but my body is just too tired to try.

Crazy…

I am down now and my mind doesn’t work like when I was down ten years ago; that five years of hibernation with my family. And I am at lost what to do.

Now, I feel I have more at stake and that has shaken my resolve to be strong.

Unlike before, to hope; to dream; to be strong was a choice. I have chosen to live tomorrow.

When tomorrow came, I was at lost and I did not build a stronger inner strength for more tomorrow.

I felt that I have conquered a mountain and I am at the peak. What more to prepare for?

But life did not end with this hopeful tomorrow, years more added to it. And now, when I am conscious of what I need to do, I am physically unable to meet my desires – I feel weak.

So, should I stop here?

Before I was able to work with a choice, now, I have no choice but to work.

But I do have a choice. I can choose to work on putting in more resolve. While I am at lost, I feel down, full of doubts and fears, I know I can still revive my hope for a tomorrow. Now, this tomorrow I am hoping for is for my kids.

I am no longer operating, hoping for a good tomorrow for myself as I have already achieved that. Now, I am hoping for tomorrows for my love ones, for the innocents I have selfishly prayed God to grant me. And now, I know I have to be responsible, to be stronger than my strong.

And while I don’t know where to begin, I know I have to stop aiming. I have to reserve my meager strength.

This is my own version of hibernation. I see my weaknesses and my worries. I can’t depend, or I feel I can’t depend on anybody. This is the main root of my despair and fears. With this feeling of being alone, I feel resentment. I see dark thoughts and this weakens me physically. But I let it; I let it until I see what resentment is for me.

This is the manifestation of my own doubts of my capabilities. I fear my dreams are too big and I am not able to hold it in my hand. And I feel people should help me so I can. I think they should and at the same time I know they wouldn’t thus my doubts turn to resentment.

And I see this as a dark little rock at the center of my heart. Like little kidney stones, crystallized toxins of destruction. Knowing it there, pulsating and will grow if I don’t do anything about it, made me feel better.

And I close my eyes and feel the healing water.

And this is where I pray. I pray for healing, I pray for strength. At times, in other terms, this is my way of meditation. I pray sometimes in writing and most often when I just close my eyes and converse with the Inner voice.

I don’t aim to find an answer. I always aim for peace, to get the cobwebs out and to focus on melting that dark circular rock in my heart that burdens me, that makes me feel sick physically and down emotionally. And then when I am done, I let it go to the universe to be treated. I go on with life.

How long does it take before I let go? There was this five years and for minor downs, a day or so; and now? Not sure. I am riding a roller coaster. And I know I have something here to make me feel like this. So I blog each day; every day to keep my doubts away until I have achieve my another tomorrow for the people I love. And maybe, even beyond that.